"Warning: Your Identity is in Danger"
January 25, 2009
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A recent email I received alerted me to a new Identity Scam on the Internet and as a Public Service, I'm passing the warning on to you.
This has been verified by the FBI, so please pass this on to everyone you know. It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summonses for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced.
The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo! Your identity was just stolen. It's my hope that none of you will fall for this insidious scam. Thank you for your time.
Oh, while I have you here, my computer recently crashed the same week I lost my Palm Pilot. I'm now in the awful situation of having to rebuild my entire address book. If you could please forward to me your name and current address and contact numbers, it would really help.
I'll also need your Social Security Number, date of birth and your mother's maiden name.
Please don't forget to include all Account Numbers from your banking and investment accounts along with any passwords to said accounts.
Attach a letter that gives me the authorization to access all of your medical and legal files. This letter should be Notarized (more for your protection, than for mine).
To expedite this tedious process you might want to give me your Power of Attorney.
Thanks in advance for helping me in this matter.
And be sure to be wary if you receive a call from a Jury Coordinator. You never know when your identity is at risk.
Steve Rudnick
1/25/09
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"If Obama Had Won the Election: A Fantasy"
January 17, 2009
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| Imaginary President-elect Barack Obama |
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As the country, and the whole world gears up for the inauguration of President-elect John McCain, I stop to have a fantasy.
What if Barack Obama had won the election? How would things have been
different?
With McCain's Cabinet all but in place (Secretary
of State Jeb Bush, Secretary of Defense Mitt Romney, Secretary of
Health and Human Services Chuck Norris... well, you know the rest) I
got to
thinking what an Obama Cabinet would have looked like?
Would
he have dared to invite Hillary Clinton to join his team. Surely not a
high-profile post, but maybe something like Secretary of Agriculture.
I'm sure he would have asked the Governor of his home state to come to
D.C. Secretary of Commerce Blagojevich... I like the sound of that.
He probably would have tapped John Kerry to head up Defense and it's a
no-brainer that the new Secretary of State would be either Colin Powell
or Bill Ayers.
And what would Obama be promising? Closing down
Guantanamo? More money for bailouts? A bill to have Alaska secede
from the Union?
Well, it's all a fantasy. Who were we to think that a capable African
American could win a national election? Sure he won California and New
York... but as big as those states are they don't an election make.
Obama would have to have won Pennsylvania, Ohio, a couple of western
states, at least one of the Carolinas, Indiana, and Minnesota to even
have a chance. It just wasn't to be. Maybe next time.
Hold on............
Wait a second............
The news is just coming in. I'm sure you're glued to your TV set, as
I am. John McCain just announced that due to health concerns he will
not be taking the oath of office. Wow! What an incredible event. The
swearing in of the new President will take place on Tuesday January 20, 2009... but it
won't be John McCain.
Well, I'm sure I'm speaking for us all when I
say that we wish President-elect Palin all the best. She's really
blossomed in the past few months. She's proven to us all that she's
more than equipped to take on the job of the leader of the free world.
Change is certainly coming. When we wake on Tuesday morning, we can
all heave a deep sigh of relief.
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| Real President Sarah Palin |
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President Palin will see us through
these troubled time. She just announced that she will ask Mike
Huckabee to be her Vice President. With him at her side, I can't see
any problem that they won't be able to handle. I guess it's time to
stop living in a fantasy world. It's time to stop speculating what
would have happened if...
Barack Obama had won the election.
Steve Rudnick
1/17/2009
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"In Support or Against
Proposition 8"
January 11, 2009
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California's Proposition 8
I'm
for it. In that I'm against it. That is to say, it's so worded that
to be for it is to be against what it's for. And to be against it is
to be for the rights is seeks to deny. It's like when you go to a
doctor and take tests. You hope that all the results are negative.
Though in the rest of your life, you hope that things are positive.
The last thing you want to hear from your doctor is that, "It's
positive." The thing that you hate to hear when asking for a raise, or
did you win the lottery is... "Negative. Which brings me back to Prop
8. When something is presented to you in such a way that to be for it
is to be against a large segment of our population, it's easy to see
why it passed. That is to say, it's hard to imagine that it would
pass. I wonder how many people voted "Yes" to Prop 8 because they
thought that "Yes" is a good thing. "No" sounds so negative.
Can I have more? NO.
Wanna go out with me? NO.
Did you find my wallet? NO.
"Yes" on the other hand, at least to me, has a positive connotation.
Would you like some more? YES.
Care for a stick of gum? YES.
Can I lick it? YES.
Will
you please vote for an amendment that would change the California
Constitution to deny a large segment of its constituents a basic human
right afforded to the rest of us? YES.
See. It sounds positive. But it really isn't... is it?
Well
by now, in the shadow of the Inauguration, it's no secret that
Proposition 8 did pass. But is it over? Yes. And by that I mean,
No. There are many lawsuits out there to rescind the vote. Is that
ignoring the wishes of the populace? Yes. And by that I do mean...
Yes. I mean, whoever said the populace is always right? They've been
wrong before. Prohibition. Denying women the right to vote.
Disallowing interracial marriages. Giving Nashville a Professional
Hockey Team. They could be wrong in this instance.
Now, I know
that a lot of people out there think giving same sex couples the right
to marry somehow undermines the sanctity of marriage. "Where's it
going to stop?" they ask. "What's next? The right for a man to marry
a dog? A woman marrying a toaster? Children marrying candy?" Well...
maybe. We'll just have to see what the populace has to say about those
things.
And they're never wrong... are they?
Check One YES___ NO___
Steve Rudnick
1/11/09
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"My New Thesaurus"
May 8, 2008
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I latterly
procured a new Thesaurus. I cannot fathom what forged me to do it. I
was at a provincial book emporium, riffling the derogate bins, and
envisioned it. It cost over twenty-five dollars in its primordial state
and was forthwith on sale for a scant five dollars and ninety-five
cents. It seemed like an expedient covenant.
It
was a sweeping tome with a vivid lamina and multitudinous pages. The
distaff moppet vendor was daunted by my procurement. She beamed as she
rung up the transaction. As I left the boutique, I savored the
sentiment that I had realized a propitious entity for myself. I was
filled with valiancy, amour-propre and felicity.
By and by my
disposition permutated. I ascertained myself riddled with incertitude.
Was the volume a beneficent buy? Or did I presently acquire a futile
contrivance? My psyche hastened. Being an abated item it was
non-commutable. I was lodged with it. And then a heinous contemplation
smote me.
What if I never got a chance to use it?!
Steve Rudnick
5/8/08
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"Last Lecture"
April 10, 2008
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I was moved
recently upon reading about Randy Pausch. He was asked to give a "last
lecture" at Carnegie Mellon University. Many universities have
professors give a "last lecture" in which they ruminate on what matters
to them most. Shortly after agreeing to give the lecture, Randy learned
that he was dying. He decided to give the lecture anyway and it became
a truly "last lecture." It got me to thinking. What would I leave
behind in my last lecture? What pearls of wisdom could I pass on? Here
is what I would like to say.
Einstein and Hawking
notwithstanding, time is fleeting. I'd like to tell my children that
time passes by faster than you could possibly imagine. It sounds
cliche, but one day you wake up and realize-- oh, before I forget. I
brought my good suit in to be dry cleaned. It's not the dry cleaners we
usually use. It's the one by the Vons. Not the Vons by the Frame
Store... the one by the donut shop. I paid in advance, so don't let
them charge you again. And in the back of my sock drawer is my good
underwear. My underwear drawer is for my everyday underwear. You'll
understand the concept of "good underwear" as you get older. There's a
bag of batteries in the hall closet. Those are all no good. I was going
to take them in to be recycled, but never got around to it. I'm pretty
sure there's a recycling place right by Trader Joe's. Not the Trader
Joe's by the movie theater... the Trader Joe's by the donut shop. Hey,
if you take the batteries to be recycled, you can pick up my good suit
at the dry cleaners. Remember not to let the pool get too low. It
should always be just above the first line of grout on the tiles or the
filter won't work right. This isn't so much of a problem in the winter,
but in summer keep an eye out for it. Especially on the hot days. I
left a key to the front door under a fake rock near the garage.
Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that it's an old
key. Remember when I put the ladder through the window of the front
door and we had to have it replaced? Well we put in a new lock and I
never replaced the key. Take care of that, will you? I have an
account at County Bank that I never got around to closing. There's
only about seventy-five bucks in it, but it's something. Remember the
garage door sticks after it rains. Don't forget to feed the fish.
There's a roll of film I haven't developed yet in the junk drawer.
It's from our trip to Coronado. You can have my wallet, I know you
always liked it. Don't forget Mom's birthday is on October first... or
the third. Pay your credit card bills at least two days before they're
due. Oh, and one last thing. When you go through my computer files...
if you come across a lot of porn... it's research I was doing for a
screenplay I was working on about pornography.
Steve Rudnick
4/10/08
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"A Century of Promise"
April 1, 2008
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As the 2008
baseball season starts we must ask ourselves a question. Is this "the
year" for the Chicago Cubs? It has been 100 years since the Cubbies won
the World Series. Now, I grew up in Chicago. But I was a White Sox fan.
I did enjoy going to Wrigley Field as a youth, but it was the Sox that
I rooted for. And the White Sox have won a World Series recently.
Over
the last century nothing much has changed for Cubs' fans. They love
their Cubs. They pray for their Cubs. They watch as their beloved Cubs
make a run for it. Then they watch in horror as the Cubs... well
there's only one way to put it... play like the Cubs. And they have
gotten close. In 1969 the Miracle Mets came out of nowhere and dashed
all hope. Then came 2003. The year it would finally happen. They were
actually chilling the Champagne in the locker room. The Cubs were
leading the Marlins 3 - 0 in the eighth. Five outs to go and the Cubs
would go to the World Series. I can't tell you what happened. Even as a
White Sox fan it hurts too much to re-live what happened. Look it up
for yourselves. Yes, nothing much has changed for Cubs' fans in the
last hundred years. But life in the U.S. has undergone some change.
The
last time the Cubs won the World Series there were 46 states in the
Union. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid were killed in Bolivia. Henry
Ford produced his first Model T. Buddy Ebsen, T.V.'s Jed Clampett, was
born. The Boy Scouts of America was founded. The annual income was
$900. William Howard Taft defeated William Jennings Bryan for the
presidency. You could get a good Prime Rib for 14 cents a pound and 12
cents would get you a pound of coffee. If you read the daily paper, it
would cost you a penny. D. W. Griffith directed his first film, "The
Adventures of Dollie." Mother's Day was observed on May 10th... for the
first time. And the Cubs' fans had reason to celebrate.
That
was one hundred years ago. Every adult who saw the Cubs win... is dead.
If you were ten years old and remember the victory, you're 110 years
old as I write this. So I'm going to say this now. As a die-hard White
Sox fan, and it's difficult for me to say............ GO CUBBIES!
Steve Rudnick
4/1/08
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"It's Happened Before"
March 2, 2008
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| Pastor Jeremiah Wright |
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As most of
you already know, a controversy arose recently about Barack Obama's
Pastor, Jeremiah Wright of Chicago's Trinity Church. The Pastor Wright
was quoted as saying, "The governmnet drugs them, builds bigger
prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing 'God Bless
America.' No, no, no. Goddamn America!" Senator Obama came under fire
due to the Pastor's comments. My questions is, 'Why?' It's not up to
the candidate to control what his pastor says. And it's not the first
time a presidential candidate was linked to comments made by his
spiritual leader.
Who of
us can forget the words of Joe Lieberman's Rabbi? Rabbi Chaim
Rothsteinbergman of Temple B'Nai Yeshiva was quoted as saying, "They
give us a cup of coffe at Starbucks for a dollar fifty-five and want us
to say, 'Thank you, can I have another?' I mean what's in a cup of
coffee? Hot water and ground beans. For a dollar fifty-five? Please."
Remember how the coffee drinking lobbyists came down hard on Candidate
Lieberman for his rabbi's comments. It cost Al Gore the presidency.
Then there
were the words of Father Paul Stablehorn of the Holy Roman Church of
Life. Remember the look on Candidate John F. Kennedy's face as he sat
in church and watched as his priest said, "The Red Sox have a chance.
The Curse of the Bambino my ass. The Yankees suck!"
Jimmy Carter's Minister, Robert Joseph Dupree almost cost Carter the
presidency when he said in Jimmy's presence, "Shoot, we would have
never lost the Civil War if we didn't run out of money." If not for
Gerald Ford's pardon of former President Nixon, Carter would never have
won.
So let's cut Obama some slack.
Steve Rudnick
3/23/08
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"In Support of Wolves"
March 2, 2008
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| L.A. Times 3/2/08 |
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An article
in the L.A. Times (March 1, 2008) caught my eye. It seems a Belgian
writer has admitted that she made up her best selling "memoir"
depicting how, as a Jewish child, she lived with a pack of wolves in
the woods during the Holocaust. Misha Defonseca's book, "Misha: A
Memoire of the Holocaust Years" had been translated into eighteen
languages and was even made into a feature film in France. It's a
story of survival. It's a story of the horrors of the Holocaust. And
it's also a figment of her imagination.
This offends me on many levels. Firstly, as a Jew. The Holocaust was heinous enough without people making things up.
It
offends me as a writer. When we write fiction, we hope to make a
connection with the human spirit. And when we write fact, we strive to
make sure our story is drenched in verisimilitude.
But most
importantly, it offends me as someone who was indeed raised by wolves.
I'm sure my lupine mother is turning in her shallow grave as word
leaked out about Mrs. Defonseca's spurious story.
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| My Mother, Doris |
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I called a
friend of mine as soon as the news broke. He was raised by an American
Black Bear, and they lived in a cave not too far from ours. He hadn't
seen the story and was as shocked as I was at Misha's fabrication. All
of us who have been raised by wild animals share in this
disappointment. My sister (raised by racoons) choked on an acorn when
I told her.
Defonsca joins the pantheon of others, most notably
James Frey whose bogus bio, "A Million Little Pieces" nearly brought
down our beloved Oprah when she championed his sham of a "shocking true
story." These counterfeiters must be stopped. They put an ireasable
stain on all those who write poignant autobiographies, from "One Small
Schlep," the true story of the first man to walk on the moon (my Uncle
Irwin) to "Going, Going Gone," the memoir of the man who hit eighty-six
home runs in the 2006 Major League Baseball Season (my cousin David
Solomon).
We who have been raised by wolves (and there are
hundreds of us) take umbrage. Ignore the posers. Listen to our
stories. They're real. And reality is the backbone of the genre.
Steve Rudnick
3/2/08
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